“If we wrote a book called ‘She’s Just Not That Into You, it would sell eight copies. Men don’t process heartbreak that way. We don’t run to Barnes & Noble and buy a book. We get drunk and stand on your lawn, then the cop comes and we’re fairly sure it’s over.”
- Greg Behrendt
This is a hilarious romp of a book wherein authors, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo (writers of Sex and the City), depose one by one the mind-boggling excuses women concoct to explain to themselves why the man-of-the-hour has not rung the doorbell. Here’s the rundown that can rival any of David Letterman’s top items of the week:
He’s just not into you if he’s …
Not asking you out (because if he likes you, he will ask you out)
- Excuses: maybe he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship excuse / maybe he’s intimidated by me excuse / maybe he wants to take it slow excuse / but he gave me his number excuse / maybe he forgot to remember me excuse / maybe I don’t want to play games excuse
Not calling you (men know how to use the phone)
- Excuses: but he’s been travelling a lot excuse / but he’s got a lot on his mind excuse / he just says things he doesn’t mean excuse / maybe we’re just different excuse / but he’s very important excuse
Not dating you (“hanging out” is not dating)
- Excuses: he just got out of a relationship excuse / but we really are dating excuse / its better than nothing excuse / but he’s out of town a lot excuse
He’s having sex with someone else (there’s never going to be a good excuse for cheating)
- Excuses: he’s got no excuse, and he knows it excuse / but I’ve gotten fat excuse / he has a stronger sex drive than I excuse / but at least he knew her excuse
He only wants to see you when he’s drunk (if he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgement isn’t impaired)
- Excuses: but I like him this way excuse / at least it's not the hard stuff excuse
He doesn’t want to marry you (love cures commitment phobia)
- Excuses: things are really tight now excuse / he’s so terribly put upon excuse / he’s just not ready excuse / he just needs a better role model excuse
He’s breaking up with you (“I don’t want to go out with you” means just that)
- Excuses: but he misses me excuse / but it really takes the pressure off us excuse / but everyone is doing it excuse / but then he wants to get back together excuse / but I’m so damn nice excuse / I do not accept his breakup excuse
He’s disappeared on you (sometimes you have to get closure all by yourself)
- Excuses: maybe he’s dead excuse / but can’t I at least yell at him excuse / but I just want an answer excuse
He’s married and other insane variations of being unavailable (if you’re not able to love freely, it's not really love)
- Excuses: but he’s wife is such a bitch excuse / but he’s a really good person excuse / I should wait it out excuse
He’s a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak (if you really love someone, you want to do things to make that person happy)
- Excuses: but he’s really trying to be better excuse / it's just the way he was brought up excuse / it's not always going to be like this excuse / its behind closed doors that count excuse / but he’s just trying to help excuse / but now I’m playing in the big leagues excuse / he’s just finding himself excuse / maybe it’s just his little quirk excuse
The book is done in a Friday-night-easy-writing style, question-and-answer format, guaranteed not to further stress the seat of reason/passion of brain-wracked women pondering on who Behrendt calls “Stinky-the-Timewaster” or “Freddy-Can't-Remember-to-Call”. The truth (the truth generally being more dreadful than a lobotomy) is that according to the authors, men would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than simply tell the Queen of Sheba that “you’re not the one”. So move on superfox, cut your losses, and don’t waste your time fabricating excuses.
Don’t waste the pretty.
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